WHY???

A question that everyone must ask themselves when found in less than ideal situations such as this.  Of course I wonder why.  And of course there are endless anecdotal responses—“God only gives us what he knows we can handle”, “Everything happens for a reason”, etc.—but I’ve never been one for anecdotes.  I’m very much a black and white, cause and effect, yes and no, every action has an equal and opposite reaction type of girl.  So when I was diagnosed, I immediately began wondering…WHY? 

I’ve always been a good kid—did my homework/got good grades, held open doors for old ladies, remembered people’s birthdays, did what my parents told me to (mostly), went to college and got a few degrees…hell, I’m a freaking doctor right?  I’ve never been one to indulge in anything much worse than a greasy cheeseburger or a nice calorie-laden dessert, so why me?  But then you start thinking about it from the other side of that spectrum—does not doing those things mean that someone else is more deserving of cancer?  Of course not.  Nobody deserves this—it’s a matter of biology—really, really sheisty biology.  I inherited a particular gene mutation that is responsible for regulating a certain kind of cellular growth, so my epithelial cells (those are the ones that line the inside of your GI tract, your uterus, your skin, etc.) don’t behave the way they’re supposed to.  It really comes down to just that.  Pretty simple when you think about it, right?...WRONG.  

Cancer is never simple—as we sciency, doctor-type people like to say, “cancer doesn’t follow the rules.”  In fact, it pretty much just makes up its own.  Cancer cells are the Bebe’s kids (that’s a movie reference for those of you that didn’t know--http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103783/?ref_=nv_sr_2) of biological systems, looking their superiors in the face saying “whateva, I do what I want.”  So instead of sitting around and wondering why, the only option we have is to fight.  We cut it out and throw it away (even when I've asked the surgeon to save it for me to see because I’m a sucker for all the “yucky inside parts”), we blast it with nasty chemicals that make our hair fall out/skin peel/insides try to vomit themselves out—essentially poisoning our bodies in an effort to kill the bad cells before we kill (all of) the good ones, or we hit it with massive doses of concentrated radiation to try to give them a really bad sunburn.  And as many of you know (and if you don’t, just follow along with me over the next few months and you can learn), it takes a tremendous toll—emotionally and physically.  Sometimes we win, and sometimes that asshole cancer takes home the trophy. 

I’ve had both the honor and misfortune of watching people very dear to my heart fight this battle—and as such, I have beautiful angels above and amazing warriors still here on earth by my side that I rely on for inspiration, support, and encouragement daily.  As they fought (and continue to fight their battles--because the war with cancer is never truly "over"), I asked myself, "why these people--why do these people that I love with my whole heart have to go through this?"  The answer to that one has been made clear--they are the bravest men and women I've ever known.  Selfless individuals that have born the burden so that others would not, and have set examples for those of us in their wake.  I never imagined I would find myself to be a member of this (perhaps sadistically) elite group of people, but it gives me strength each day to have them by my side.  When cancer comes along, it doesn’t just affect the “sick” person—everyone that loves you becomes a warrior in the battle, and I have to say that I’ve gotta have one of the best damned armies that a person could ever dream of having. 

I’ve had people from coast to coast and everywhere in between reach out over the last couple of weeks to offer encouragement and support, and it’s difficult to put into words (surprising for me, I know—I obviously struggle with that) just how much that truly means.  You may think you’re “just sending a text message” or “just clicking “Like” on the ol’ Facebook”, but it’s SO much more than that.  That’s not to say that the reason I’m doing this or publicizing my journey is to seek emotional support.  I decided to do this after finding solace in reading about others’ journeys, and so I wanted to go on and pay it forward.  If reading this gives others an opportunity to smile or giggle or builds awareness/educates folks in some (likely minimal) capacity, then it’s worth it to me.  But there’s more to it as well—I’d like to use this as a platform to encourage people to listen to their bodies and take care of themselves.  If something doesn’t seem right to you, chances are that it isn’t—nobody knows your body better than you do. 

I was stubborn about biting the bullet and going to the doctor last year, and my symptoms progressed over a period of almost eight months before Chris finally had to, essentially, force me to go to the doctor.   Because who has time to go to the doctor?  Well I can tell you that a couple of check ups here and there are far less time consuming (and slightly less taxing, emotionally and physically) than what’s transpired over the past six months.  I’m 28 freaking years old—who’d have though colon cancer should’ve been on my radar?  But remember, cancer doesn’t follow rules…and you’re the only person that truly knows your body.  So get checked out.  There’s no shame—and if you don’t agree with your doctor when he/she tells you nothing is wrong then find a new one that legitimately listens to your concerns.  I wish I could say that all doctors are great, wonderful, and all-knowing people, but they’re flawed just as we all are.

I'm going to wrap this one up, because your buttcheeks are probably getting numb by now (if you actually read this whole thing), and we have to get on the road to see my cousin marry the woman of his dreams.  I'll for sure write more later this weekend in an effort to put off studying for my exam that's on Monday.  Until then #BTHOcancer #BTHOeugene #f*ckcancer and thanks for reading.

<3